Taking stock of the situation

Written by changthai11 on Sunday, September 21st, 2008

POSTSCRIPT

With stock markets crashing, governments wobbling, banks going down the tube and state of emergencies coming and going, it can’t have been a bundle of fun for those experts at the Stock Exchange of Thailand this past week analysing what lies in store. There’s an old joke that “forecasting is difficult, especially if it’s about the future,” and that is probably what they have been feeling.

Fortunately Crutch has long abandoned dabbling in the SET. It seems to be a guaranteed recipe for high blood pressure and low bank accounts. I must admit to having a few Bangkok Post shares back in pre-historic times, selling them to make a small profit, only in the next 12 months to see them rise five times in value. After that fine example of financial astuteness, it seemed prudent to stick to playing Monopoly or, at the most, having an occasional flutter on the horses. You never win anything, but at least get a bit of entertainment while losing your money.

The fact is forecasters never get it right, otherwise they would all be stinking rich. As the American economist Edgar Fielder once observed: “Forecasters tend to learn less and less about more and more, until in the end they know nothing about everything.”

Hoping for good fortune

According to a recent report, the number of fortune tellers in Thailand is increasing by the day. Apparently in all this doom and gloom, more and more people are turning to assorted astrologers, soothsayers and clairvoyants to put them on the path to riches.

It is no secret that many senior Thai politicians consult such people to give them guidance when making important policy decisions, which is frankly a bit of a worry. To think that the country’s future might depend on whether the jack of spades or six of hearts turns up, or whether a tea leaf is in the right place does not exactly fill one with confidence. There was a lot of fuss once when a leading Thai fortune teller claimed he knew who would be the next prime minister after studying a raw egg. He didn’t get it right and the disgraced egg later became an omelette.

A lot of the general public go to fortune tellers to seek advice on lottery ticket numbers, which is all rather puzzling. If you were a fortune teller and knew what the winning lottery number was going to be, you definitely wouldn’t be telling anyone else about it.

In his Devil’s Dictionary, the 19th century American journalist Ambrose Bierce came up with a splendid definition of a clairvoyant which still rings true today: “A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely that he is a blockhead.”

Back to the future

I must admit to not being too keen on learning what will happen in the future. It’s coming far too quickly for my liking as it is, and appears to be accelerating every year. I don’t really want to know if I am going to fall down a pothole the following day or be knocked down by a rogue samlor, or assaulted by a politician’s objectionable offspring. Living in the past is much more satisfactory. You don’t come in for any unpleasant surprises that way.

When Crutch was first in Thailand there used to be a gaggle of Indian fortune tellers roaming the streets, especially in the Sukhumvit area. One particularly persistent fellow approached me and announced he could tell me my mother’s name.

I informed him I already knew my mother’s name and my dad’s for that matter and he eventually gave up.

There haven’t been many of these characters about in recent years, but one suspects there must be a few lurking somewhere.

Not looking ahead

There was much mirth a couple of years ago at a convention of clairvoyants in Paris when a reporter asked whether there would be another conference the following year and the chief clairvoyant replied: “We don’t know yet.”

Which brings us to a final word from a signboard outside a women’s institute in England: “The evening of clairvoyance on Thursday 29th November at 7pm has been cancelled owing to unforseen circumstances.”

Books you can’t put down

Every year, Bookseller magazine comes up with the oddest book title of the year. Last week it announced the 2008 winner which was not only odd, but actually a little bit naughty: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship Start With Your Legs.

Bookseller also announced awards for the oddest book title in the past 30 years since it first started the event at the 1978 Frankfurt Book Fair. The all-time winner was the thrilling Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers which sounds like a real page turner. Runner-up was People Who Don’t Know They Are Dead , while coming in a strong third was How To Avoid Huge Ships.

Setting a formidable standard in the very first year of the award was the memorable Proceedings Of The Second International Workshop On Nude Mice.

Other previous winners include How To Bombproof Your Horse (2003), and The Joy of Chickens (1980). Also worthy of an honorable mention are How To Be Happy Though Married, which surely must be a best-seller, The Romance of the Gas Industry, which definitely isn’t a best-seller and the thought-provoking Wood Carving With A Chainsaw, said to enjoy a certain following in Texas

- Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com