FRESH PERSPECTIVE / I want a girlfriend and freedom, too
Written by Writer on Friday, October 17th, 2008
FRESH PERSPECTIVE / I want a girlfriend and freedom, too
The Yomiuri Shimbun
Dear Fresh Perspective:
I have been dating a Japanese girl for about eight months. Before that, I was in two long-term relationships in the United States, which ended because my girlfriends had jealousy issues. The relationship I am now in seemed very different at first. However, in the past two months similar patterns have started emerging, where I feel like I am losing my freedom and my identity. I am trying to understand whether this time it may be more of a cultural issue, rather than her being unreasonable and controlling of my behavior. On the other hand, I am also wondering whether I attract girls like this, and if so, what I can do about it.
Relationship-shy
Dear Relationship-shy:
What are you looking for in a relationship? Sometimes we behave in ways that serve to confirm certain values and beliefs we have about the world (a.k.a. self-fulfilling prophecy). What are your beliefs about relationships? Do you believe that serious relationships only lead to a loss of freedom? As you described the three most recent women you have been in a relationship with as being jealous, you should reflect on whether your behavior plays a part in this. If you say to yourself, “I am losing my freedom,” the simple reaction is to regain your freedom in some way.
Relationships are not about losing freedom but about exploring and growing together, and both of you change through this process. The idea of a partner for life is a scary one; it requires commitment and dedication. Perhaps for you this kind of relationship is threatening or not part of how you see yourself. It is much easier to walk away from a relationship if you say it was because “she was jealous” rather than “I wasn’t ready to settle down.”
Across different cultures, people have different expectations and behave in different ways. There is no culture where women are prone to being jealous and controlling. However, women do expect to be treated respectfully and appropriately in relationships. Whenever you are thinking about others’ behavior, it is important to reflect back on your own. I would suggest reflecting on your own wants and needs in relationships. What are you looking for? What is important? It seems for you, internal reflection would really help you make choices about your current relationship and your future.
Dr. Jenny Wells, Chartered Psychologist
This is a column in which English-speaking psychologists and members of International Mental Health Professionals Japan (IMHPJ) offer their views on questions involving relationships, family matters and other issues.
These views and opinions are solely those of the authors. To pose a question via this column, send an e-mail to: DYWeekend@Yomiuri.com. To learn more about IMHPJ, visit www.imhpj.org - (Oct. 17, 2008)
